THE MCFAR SIDE

Jerry McFarland

The dilapidated Reed horse van crawled up the hill and stopped at Barn 11 on Horizon Farms. As the lone driver climbed down from the truck, he was met with a cheerful greeting.

"Hi! My name is Katie Kappler. Welcome to Kappler Komputerized Farms."

"Oh, hi", responded the visitor, "I was just passing by and thought I would stop in and look around...if it's okay with you?"

"Sure", replied Katie, "Let me give you the tour. We are the most technologically advanced barn in the area. We were the first to convert our barn to the latest in computer technology. We even have our own web site. Come on in and let me show you."

Eagerly, the visitor stepped forward, and as he neared her, Katie thought there was something strangely familiar about him. Age apparently had taken its toll on what obviously had once been an extremely handsome man -- perhaps he had been a movie star. The visitor' steely blue eyes were hidden behind a pair of black-rimmed glasses, held together in the middle by a piece of white adhesive tape. Although he looked out of place with the polka-dotted bow tie he was sporting, Katie's eyes were drawn to the 27 ink pens in the plastic pocket protector in his plaid shirt breast pocket. "What a geek!", Katie mused. But still, there was something about him....

"I dabble a bit with computers myself", the nerdy-looking visitor announced.

"Duh!", thought Katie as the tour commenced. "Here are 2 of our techies, Jamie and Candido," introduced Katie, "2 of the best in the business."

"What's behind that door marked 'Intel Inside'?", queried the stranger.

"Oh, that's my Mom's office. 'Y2Kay' we call her", replied Katie, "She is in charge of all of our computer systems. Everything we do here is computer oriented. Just before anyone gets on their horse to ride, we have them put these glasses on. It converts the ring to 'Virtual Reality Mode'. Although the fences are only set at 18 inches, with the help of the computer, the rider gets the sensation of jumping fences set as high as they'd like. In fact, my pony, Buddy, is currently leading the Midwest Grand Prix standings."

"But what about shows?", inquires the visitor, "Surely, a pony cannot compete with the likes of a Concorde or Idle Dice?"

Curious about the mention of these 2 great Grand Prix horses of the past, Katie nonetheless responded, "We simply load 'Window Ledges 98' into the CD-Rom, set the fences at 18 inches and an image of Pat Boyle blows the whistle! Shows are now done on an interactive basis, all are Virtual Reality. It eliminates the need for shipping, reserving stalls, shavings, and all of the additional headaches of showing. Y2Kay prepares the monthly bill which includes board, training, and all of the entry fees for the shows. Quite simple, really. The program even has the Virtual Country Pub for post-show refreshments."

As they approached the paddocks, the visitor gestures to a magnificent stallion peering over one of the fences. "'You've Got Male' is his name," Katie chuckles, "He is owned by Hollis1155."

"And that bay over there," the visitor says quietly, "Oh yes, I know that one all too well. In your computer talk, he has no more intelligence than an 8 bit, 386 processor. I was downloaded so much by that guy that I suffered about 133 mega hurts. We had more chips than the Pentium II factory in the Silicon Valley. Want to talk "bytes"? Yea, he bites too. I guess you probably call him www.piranha.ouch!"

An ice cold chill raced up Katie's spine as she suddenly recognized the strangely handsome visitor with the Reed van. "Big Jer, it's you isn't it? It seems a millennium since you were last here."

"I thought I would throw you off with the pocket protector," smiled the former World's Greatest Catch Rider.

"Actually, " replied Katie, "It was the movie star looks that threw me. Have you been morphed or something?"

Unfazed by her obvious attempt at humor, Big Jer continued, "I thought I might drop by once in awhile and see how things are around here these days."

As the tail lights of the over-the-hill rider's over-the-hill van disappeared over the hill, Katie thought to herself, "Oh, great."

-Jer